I Pinkie Promise

To treat myself gently in all forms of the word
To give my body nourishment and rest when it needs it
To no longer place blame on my body; because my body is not my perpetrator
To thank my body on the bad days for fighting along with me; to not fight my body
To love my body when I want to hate it
To be thankful for my imperfections
To be venerable
To be healthy
To be strong
To let my body be a home, not a war zone
To use my words, not my skin
To be grateful for what my body does have, instead of hating what it doesn't
To do at least one thing that scares me everyday
To struggle well
To stand after I stumble
To laugh daily
To ask for what I need
To give my feelings a voice
To care about my body
To allow myself to be whole and broken at the same time

Panda

Today I got to see my best friend face to face
After a year of longing to hold her in my embrace
This woman is incredible
And strong and beautiful
I love her so much,
More than simple words can say
The smile she wore for me this morning
Has been on my mind all day

It's scary to think
That those
Who have the greatest gifts to share
Are those who lives can't be spared
And I find myself stumbling on words
That want to flee from my mouth
But my tongue won't move

Here,
On this Earth,
There are no guarantees
No promises
That you will see the clouds again
 The sunsets, the stars, the sunrise
This disease can take everything
In a way it already has mine

Sometimes I feel like a hollow sea shell
This disease took away
my friends,
my family,
my happiness.

But my heart is still beating
As if it is yearning
To be full this time
Because who's to say,
That I will survive
Relapse
again...
And then...
What?
Another life left in vain

Not this time.

This disease has taken everything
But it can't take my legacy...
Her legacy.

"I will not be another tombstone in her grave."

I love you Panda Marie,
You will always be with me.

I Am Me

 

I am me

I am recovery

I am a wilted flower

But nobody knows my secret

Because nobody pays enough attention to notice

The truth is I have just blossomed

I’m still searching for the sky

But every day I get stronger

My roots are deep and wide

They are the reason I survive

Nobody knows my secret

Because nobody pays enough attention to notice

But I am beautiful

I am strong

I am life and all its imperfections

I am a mess

But you wouldn’t know if you only saw what I do

You may see me as a compilation of lines and curves

That doesn’t fit together

But as I look at my reflection

In this puddle of my dew drop tears

I see a diamond in the rough

Yearning to see the sun shine again

This journey is not over

In fact, it’s just beginning

I am life

I am me

And I’m okay.

Falling Together

 

There is so much beauty all around me

It is mid November here

All of the trees are baring their limbs

So that we can appreciate them again

And so they refresh and rest for awhile

And so they return what the Earth so graciously gave them

The leaves fall unto the soil

As to give back the nourishment that made them so

So there will be new buds covering the branches

When Spring is born again

 

Each season brings new beauty

But I tend to favor fall

Everything Mother Nature lets me see

Is preparing itself for a big change

The trees see this change every year

But for some it' so new, so surreal

Even though it might be scary

To experience for the first time

Nature knows that the clock only moves forward

The sun always sets after it rises

And rises after it sets

Fall always follows Summer

And Winter and Spring are next

 

I supposed the seasons are such for a reason

If Winter came after the flowers bloomed in the Spring

Then there would be no time to appreciate their beauty

And no time for them to give

All that they have in store for me

For us

For our world

 

Looking back

And wishing it could be like it was before

It is kind of like going from Summer to Winter

that is what Mother Nature made fall for

Now is this season

Everything looks as though it is falling down

But maybe things are falling together

If you take a look around

 

This season always gets to me

And I get so lost in the crowd

But maybe this year can be a change for me

Maybe those voices don't have to be so loud...

 

 

 

 



A Selfish Bargain

What do you say when it's too late for "feel better" or "I wish you well" ... or "it can't rain forever"?  When there is no getting better, no chance for a second chance... because no one would listen to you when you needed them to hear.  How do you help someone who is dying... and there's no promise she will see tomorrow, and there is a guarantee that this will kill her.  How can I have hope for myself when I know that hope is destroyed for her. 

Today I found myself making another bargain with God...  "Please God, if you let me see her, let me hold her one last time, I promise I will get better for her.  I promise I will never doubt you again."  We were making plans two days ago to see each other when I get healthy, but she can never get healthy and it kills me.  She is dying, you see.  My best friend deserves another chance more than me, so why am I going to treatment and she has a death sentence?  I can't take this anymore... If I could turn the cards around I would in a heartbeat.  She can't die like this... she can't leave me alone.  I'm sorry, I just can't do this, I can't hold it in anymore.  I don't know if I'll ever see her again but she keeps saying, "be patient" and "have hope" but today she had a stroke.  How are we supposed to cope?  If she had another chance I know she would fight... I know we could make it together and grow old like we all should.  I've only known her for a little over two years, but she knows all of me... she loves me and I love her so very much.  I'm so sorry she is hurting so much... I just want to tell you that it will get better... but the doctors say it will only get worse. 

My best friend....

Please don't leave me.  I know I will always have you, but I need you here with me.  I'm selfish because I know you will be free of pain the day you leave me, but I just can't lose you.  From having no one, we found each other.  I'm so blessed to have met you.  Panda, you will always be my best friend, I will never let you go.  From 500 miles, or Earth to the Stars, I will be holding you tight, telling you that I love you always and forever, and I'll never stop loving you.  We've been through hell Panda, then we helped each other crawl again.  We stood up, walked, fell, then crawled again and again. 

I wish this monster would have never touched you.  I wish you could be free of hurt and pain.  I just want you to know that I'm going to fight right beside you.  I hate so much that this happened... I wish someone would have listened.  I love you my Panda.... you are what a friend should be.

The Dirty Shed

The people I want to care the most
Never seem to care at all
They smile and laugh
As they see me fall
I don't matter to them
I'm just a spec of dirt they can't get out
Of their picture-perfect
white-collared
scum-free life
Now look at me...

I'm falling apart
Again and again
I dig a hole
They push me in
I find a rope
They tear it to shreds
Every time I find hope
They burry it with the dead

It doesn't matter though
I will never matter though
Not to those I need
I'm just a tool they keep
In the dirty shed
Filled with those skeletons
And cobwebs
And broken pieces
They put aside long ago

I'm one of those cheap plastic rakes
The kind you buy at the Dollar General
The "one-time-use"
That may have nothing but bits and pieces left
When the yard is free of debris
But the wind still blows
And leaves still fall,
But this rake is useless now

So they throw it in the shed
Of skeletons and cobwebs and broken pieces
And it sits in the darkest corner
Never to be heard of again.

When You Get Sand

It's like an old Well
You see,
You dip the bucket in
Hoping to get some liquid gold
And when the bucket is in your hands
All you get is sand

You can keep going back
To the old Well
Dipping in bucket after bucket
Wishing you could understand
Why all you have is sand

Eventually you might reach something
Maybe if you wish
Wish so hard that you begin to cry
Just because you can't withstand
The Wishing Well filled with sand

So then you hear something say
Whisper
"Move on my dear"
There is plenty of land
For a Well that gives more than sand

So I wonder all over
Hoping
To find a Well that will let me
Pull up magic, I know I can
Find a Well with more than sand

But it runs dry too
It dies
It gives up, it crumbles and tumbles
And I find that I stand
Alone again with a bucket of sand

The Well will always run dry
Hope seems to die
But I move on, because I need something
I can't get from a Well
That only gives me sand

Alice

My heart is hurting

I hate feeling

It always ends up in shambles

I always end up bleeding

The world around me is slowly dying

I can’t watch the sun set another day

Because who’s to say

That it really does rise again?

 

It’s hard

When you are the only one

That can see inside the darkness

And still be completely blinded

It’s scary

When you can be surrounded by people

And still feel completely alone

In a world that is dying

 

Relapse

One step forward two steps back

I trip, and then I tumble

Now I’m falling down the rabbit hole

Faster and faster into a world

That I have created inside my head

But it feels so real

Maybe it feels

Like I’m dead

 

I don’t want to fall so fast

It’s like I wasn’t even given a chance

What happened?

When did daylight

Become

Just as dark as night

When I was so alone

That my twisted mind

Became a better friend

A better place to hide…

Survivor

When I walk through the shadows of the desert

I didn’t think I would ever see the leaves grow again

Everything that surrounded me was broken

Dead and damaged and abandoned…

Every life around me was angry and starving

Stomachs yearning for a fresh bite of meat

I am a feast for them

But first they must break my skin

With the weight of the world trying to hold me back

In the darkness I defy the odds

I walk past dead trees

I push away boulders

I am making my own path now

I am strong and wise and I never forget

But I learn from it.

 

You can’t hurt me

Hush now carnivores

This is my land

I’m going to a place where peace is all around me

Where the sun pushes through the shadows

And illuminates an existence worth believing in

Where the leaves grow high on the trees

Where animals linger around the watering hole

And birds soar with the breeze

 

There…

It may get dark at times

But it will never be the same dark I once knew

In this dark I can see the stars

They will guide me through the night

And protect me as I rest

There

I’ll have a family to love me

I will be a part of something wonderful

 

The shadows will give life to a beautiful being

And so it will continue

I will be strong

A conqueror of the desert

A persevere’er

I will be a story of overcoming

A sage

A survivor

TWagg

When I was a junior in High School the cast of Anything Goes was getting fitted for their "costumes" for the show.  It was my turn and my director was having a hard time which outfit to put on me... She said something about modeling the costumes for the choir because I had the 1920's "look."  I tried on this red dress which ended up being the one I wore for the big dance number; she looked at me and said "You know, you would be a great model if you would just whiten your teeth."  I worked at MedX at the time and I had wanted whiter teeth for a while but my dentist kept saying that my enamel wasn't strong enough.  Well, over the past four years I have spent over $200 on white strips and whitening toothpaste.  I used my employee discount on two boxes of the "professional strength" Crest white strips.  It worked and before opening night my teeth were good enough for her... but I never was.  Four years later and between stomach acid and veganism and whitening treatments I have absolutely no enamel left on my teeth.  I didn't go to the dentist after that because I knew they would tell me to stop and I didn't want to. 

Yesterday the cast list went up for the school musical, it's my little sister's senior year.  There is a new director and he isn't any better.  Ms. Waggoner really played with my head and when the cast list for Grease went up my senior year and my freshman little sister got a better role than I did (I was cast as "extra" and she was a cheerleader) I was devastated... and to make matters worse I got the girl who played Sandy into choir, she was my best friend for awhile then she joined the musical and essentially replaced me as she turned everyone and their dog against me.  It was a tragedy to me because being a lead in the musical was all I ever wanted.  Ms. Waggoner said that my dancing audition was horrible (she actually had her "assistant" tell me that)... well she let me dance once then never called me back on stage for three hours while she watched everyone else go over their audition countless times.  She had me as a dancer the year before in Anything Goes and when I did those auditions she said I was a "natural dancer."  I wonder what happened?  That week of auditions for Grease I told myself I would do anything for the lead... even starve (because in my sick mind at the time that is what I thought would get me to where I wanted to be.)  All I ate that week was half of a vegetarian subway 6" sandwich with no cheese, veggies, and light vinaigrette dressing.

Anyway now my little sister is experiencing the same devastation because she got a crappy role her senior year... it's a role and her director doesn't hate her, but still.  I don't know how to support her because it still hurts to think about the morning the cast list went up and my heart sank to the bottom of the sea.  I ended up in the hospital a few days later.  I gave my life to musical theatre, if TWagg told me to shit a brick I would have.  I know how my little sister feels, we had a good talk last night, but it still hurts and I feel like I may be invalidating her feelings by saying that I know what she is feeling... because I don't, everyone feels things differently, but I can relate a lot and she knows that. 

This is kind of my dropping the iron curtain because I don't think anybody really understands what TWagg did to me and it's been 4 years.  I blocked almost every person that became her "pet" and defended her... It's so frustrating because I defended her when she said offensive and racist comments to my friends like "you can't look Latino."  I said she was a perfectionist and wanted what was best for us and for the show. 

One day I had a panic attack in class and she kept conducting like nothing was happening, I left to go to the bathroom and pull myself together and as I came back in she laughed at me.  When I got out of the hospital in October my senior year she pulled me "aside" (even though we were still in front of the class) and said "Are you okay?" I said yeah and she said "How could you do that to your Mother, you are a horrible daughter."  She yelled at me and told me to "stop looking like death" that December in front of 100 people as we were practicing for the Masterworks concert.  It became clear she didn't give a shit about me but I still thought I could change that. 

I know it's not good to be stuck in the past, but this one still hurts like an open wound and with my sister's senior musical coming up I can feel the wound reopening.  Choir was my home, my family, my escape... then it was all ripped out from under me and no one cared a bit.  They all turned on me.

I don't want this to be a pity party, I just want those of you who knew TWagg to see the real person and what she did to me.  Keep hateful comments to yourself.  This is my experience and I'm sick of people talking her up to be a wonderful person.   

You Are More

This one is for all of you ladies out there who don't think you're good enough.  It hurts my heart to see you talk that way, but I know how you feel and I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong to feel that, but this is a LIE.  You matter so much and I can't stand the thought of losing any more of you.  I need you to see what I see when I look at you.  I have so many friends that are slowly killing themselves thinking that somehow the eating disorder will make them happy and special.  It doesn't work, Loves.  It's not worth it.  Give your time to something worthwhile, something that will really make you feel better.  DREAM BIG.  Aim for the stars, have a plan for the future that doesn't involve being buried under six feet of dirt.  You are worth more than a number, than a size, than a name or a label.  You are the only you in existence.  You are unique and special and you matter so, so very much.  I know what you are thinking... it's scary and unsure, but what else is there to lose when you have fallen this far?  Don't give this your power anymore, food doesn't deserve that from you, neither does the number on the scale or the memories from your past.  You are irreplaceable.  We cannot be another tombstone in society's grave of starved, depressed, and perpetually waiting for someone to say "I care."  I care.  Your disease tells you that you don't matter and that you need to disappear.  My heart couldn't take that Dear.  I need you here.  Please don't give up, don't let ED win.  You are more than an eating disorder or a diagnosis... The past hurts, and by no means am I discounting that, but each day, every hour, every meal, every minute, every bite is your chance to make new and happy memories.  Redefine your past.  Reclaim your life.  Don't let ED take another friend from me <3 

I don't know what else to say...

Decade

It really does feel...
Like someone has stabbed me in the heart;
Stood in front of me
Looked me in the eye
Pulled out a dagger
And shoved it in my heart.

I can feel it hurt
I can feel it go in
I feel the warm blood trickle
Then flow down my skin
I feel short of breath
As the life leaves me slowly

I can't breathe
The room starts to spin
Everything is fuzzy
I can't remember anything
But what it feels like
To be stabbed in the heart

He pulls the blade out and I fall
Into my own pool of blood
My heart still tries to beat
But I am dead...

Now I know how it feels
To be dissected
I thought I was okay
But now I can't heal

Imagine looking someone in the face
Over and over again
And seeing the knife go in
And feel like it's you that had sinned

Now you can see right through me
Now I am vulnerable and weak
Now I am barely breathing
Now I have forgotten how to speak

I didn't feel for a while
Maybe I still don't feel like I should
But it hurts none-the-less
A dagger driven into the heart

What Will Become

When the sun goes down tonight
And the stars shine bright
What will happen to the sunlight?

When the war is over
And the nation has surrendered
What becomes of the solider?

When I close my eyes
And the colors begin to fly
What will dream world hide?

I hold my breath and count to ten
Wishing that it can erase the badness within
And make me forget what happened then

What will happen now,
Now that I wear my heart on my sleeve
And you can see the broken me?

Spite

"God wouldn't put you through anything you couldn't handle"
I got so tired of hearing that... like I wasn't in enough pain for them to notice.  It was "all in God's hands."  Well how do you explain why people die from grief and disease?  They couldn't handle it... Is that God's fault then?  Where is the line drawn in the sand...
So maybe if I died going through this "storm" that you say will "always end with a rainbow" would it be enough to convince you that God doesn't love me?  It's almost like I wanted to say "Ha, God, look at me, you lied to me, I'm dying and you said I would be okay."  Every time someone wanted to play the God card with me I wanted to prove them wrong.  I needed to prove to them that I was completely alone because I was tired of being invalidated.
With it all in your hands how is this plan so "perfect?"  People have free will... things happen, things go wrong and people are hurt and they hurt others.  The world is nothing short of chaos and disaster.  All I ever wanted was peace... just to be able to sit in silence for a minute and know that nothing was wrong.  What a moment that would be!  Maybe that is what Your plan is supposed to be, but people change it.  Maybe You don't 'put us through things' but are there to walk beside us and carry us when we do step into the darkness.  I don't think you would send us there on purpose... send me there. 
I have to believe this or I'm sent back to that dark place where believing in you is like a fairytale or Santa Clause; it's nice in theory, but sooner or later you have to grow up. 
"Everything happens for a reason"
So what I've been told is that rape, murder. incest, kidnapping, domestic abuse, violence, gangs, cancer, terminal illness, freak accidents, and abandonment all happen to make us better and stronger?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or it just slowly eats you alive as you lose everything sane about you and turn into a shell of the person you used to be.  Sometimes what doesn't kill us makes us forget that we are strong... as Human Beings we are strong But when something dark happens it's easy to forget.  It's easy to feel like you're nobody and like God doesn't care, or that He forgot about you because He let this happen.  I feel like I don't matter, that I'm unlovable, less than human, and damaged.  Maybe just as damaged and forgotten as the people who hurt me.  But that's just it you see, people hurt me, not You...

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It was then that I carried you... Maybe He didn't point me in the direction that brought me into the shadows.  Maybe He saved me from something worse... maybe when I couldn't walk anymore He brought me to a safer place because the road I was on was too dangerous.  It's nice to believe, to think that someone has seen me through the years.  It's good to feel less alone.  I'm not going to beat the Bible over someone, but just feeling like there is something to turn to when you have no where else to turn is a relief in itself. 

I don't really know what this post is truly about, I started this a couple of days ago and decided I needed to finish.  I'm afraid of being judged, but I hope that I'm not the only one out there that feels like this... I hope this helps someone <3

 

 

 

Fairytales

As you read this keep in mind... I wrote this when I was going through a really difficult time last month.  This is meeting me where I am, take what you can and leave the rest.

 

She hurt herself you see
She fell...
Her dress is torn and her flesh is wounded
She has been bleeding and crying
Her wings won't carry her anymore
They are broken
Her faith is shattered

It was a long fall you see,
And she passed many Angels on the way down
    down...
         down...
              down...

No one could help her now
She had to repair herself
With a needle and thread
She stitched together her grown
And many bandages hid her damaged skin
Blood still trickled out
And tears still fell
So maybe she was still alive.

She mended her wings the best she could
But neither bandage, brace, nor needle and thread
Could mend the brokenness inside her head

You see...
She didn't just fall
Somebody dropped her
And now she feels like she doesn't belong.
Unwanted.
What if she gets back up just to fall again?
To be cast off and rejected.

You made me
You say that you will walk beside me
You promise there will be no pain I can't survive
Then why have I been dying inside?
I must have done something to deserve this
You wouldn't just let this happen...
    Would you?

You love me... or so they say
In your "perfect plan" did you mean to walk away?
Did you know I was going to feel forgotten
And like you didn't care enough to remember?

Did you finish when you were making me?
Because it feels like you forgot some pieces
Maybe there's still some parts left over
That are supposed to be a part of me
I think you forgot to sew in my soul...

Body Love

I haven't shared a video in awhile.  I came across this right after I got out of Brookhaven and cried like a baby.  Everything about this is beauty... I just don't have the words to say how much I love this video, this poem, this woman.  Do yourself a favor and watch this <3

New Beginnings

Today

Today I am 21 years young
I have 21 years in my pocket
To teach me
And help me grow

I have 21 years inside me
To guide me
Through the bumps in the road

Because those years inside me
Zero through twenty
Have all taught me
Something valuable
How to love
Who to love
What to dream of
Where to go
Why I feel
Happy, mad, sad, glad

It all matters
It is all a part of me
And makes me 21 years young

I’m still young,
Because I still have a lot to do
Many places to go
And things to become

I’m still young
Because I’m still learning
With each day passed
I grow a little bit wiser.

Sometimes growing older scares me
Not because of the wrinkles
Or anything like that…

But because it means more time
More days spent afraid of living
Instead of living fearlessly

I’m 21 years young today
And I am starting a new beginning
I won’t start over
Because I have learned from my past
But whatever happened then
To make me become afraid
Of growing old
Doesn’t matter anymore
My new goal in life
Is to see how many wrinkles I can collect

I want to never feel so small
Because living in fear is no life at all

I'm not yours anymore.

This is for that thing the doctors call Eating Disorder
                Anorexia Nervosa
That voice that pretends to be your friend
And promises to be with you till the very end
 
It lurks inside the pages of a magazine
Airbrushed dolls and fake promises
That make you feel inferior, less than you are

…LESS than perfect.

 
It hides in the fairytales we were promised in our youth
That one day all of the hurt we have gone through
Would lead us to a Happily Ever After

…but then they told us to grow up

 
It waits for the times that you’ve fallen short
The could-have-been’s, should-have

…tried harder

 
This thing, this voice,     this LIE
Tells us that if we obey
All of the pain will go away
 
It told me I could be perfect
And worthy of love… if I listened
Then it told me I was dirty
And worthless and less than.
 
It told me that it could help me
It came in and filled the spaces left empty
As long as it was mine… or maybe I was it’s
Those empty spaces and broken pieces
Didn’t seem to matter anymore
 
Each day grew worse as I grew thinner
It told me that I was only as good as a number
 
I’d look in the mirror,
Salty water rushed down my face
Because it told me I was a fat and ugly disgrace
I took up too much space.
 
This selfish monster told me
That God didn’t care enough to finish when he made me
And that all of the imperfections it found
Were there BECAUSE I was too ruined
Too bad to be completed
 
Like one of those countless projects started

And then discarded

Instead of loving every curve
Every, lump, every freckle, every scar
Every tear and every silly laugh
Instead of loving the feelings I get
When I rest my delicate fingers on my heart
And feel the life beat on inside me

…even when it feels like I’ve turned to stone

Instead of LOVING all that I’ve loved
And believing that I matter…
 
I was told to run away
And be anywhere but the body I was trapped in
 
What’s saddest of all,
Is that I am and I was never alone
Teens, adults, mothers, sisters
Grandmothers, daughters, wives, friends…
CHILDREN…
Little girls in grade school
Are learning to hate their bodies
And even hate the person on the inside
As well as the God that so carefully made them
Everyone is striving to be someone else
No one believes they are beautiful anymore
It’s tragic.
What are we willing to do to change?
Diseases take so many too soon
But this disease doesn’t have to.
 
It doesn’t deserve those spaces inside me
That are patiently waiting for good things to fill
It doesn’t deserve a seat at the table
After all, who is paying the bill?
It doesn’t deserve to write on my body
With a few sharp blades and some diet pills
I can’t say that Anorexia will never show its ugly face

It will come sometimes…

In the magazines, the fairytales, and the times we fall

Just to remind me of where I came from
And that I never want to go back.
 
Without me to call its own
This monster has one less prey
Life has more meaning than words on stone
“I’m sorry it ended this way”
Without me to fill it’s need
There is one more life that got away
 
Because I have plans
Plans to finally be heard
Plans to help those who are insecure
Because of whatever voices are talking to them
I’ve been there, I’ve heard it too
But I am done listening to you.
You, “ana,”  are not allowed here
You pretended to be my friend
Then my life, you tried to end
 
I am greater than you
I am stronger than the web of lies you’ve spun
You are just a thought
Your time has come and gone
                                                                               
You made food the enemy
You made me hate myself
I am done with you
I have better things to do.

On Religion

Lord I lift Your name on High
Lord I love to sing Your praises
I'm so glad You're in my life
I'm so glad You came to save us
You came from Heaven to Earth to show the way
From the Earth to the cross, my debt to pay
From the cross to the grave, from the grave to the sky
Lord I lift your name on High

When I was younger I was taught that there was a God who was always watching over me, everything I did, everything I thought, even the things I didn't know about... He did.  I believed with all my heart, I laid in my bed every night and imagined the ceiling opening up and seeing the dark sky painted with stars, I closed my eyes and thought of all I wanted God to know so He could hear me.  I praised Him for being there for so many people.  "Dear God, are you listening?  I need your help; You see there is a lot going on down here on Earth, the world seems to be falling apart.  I want to pray for peace, God.  Can you help?  I know you are up there with all of the Angels, can you send one to watch over me?"  Then I thought of my Grandmother, who was an Angel before I was born, I said, "Grandma, if you can hear me, will you be my Guardian Angel if God is too busy?"

I don't know how, but at some point I gave up.  My nights turned into me running emergency drills in my head and sleeping with a baseball bat and my dearest possessions, Special Bear.  Just in case there was a robbery or a kidnapping or a fire... I was 8 when I started worrying about these things.

Bad things kept happening, I prayed but I didn't believe anymore; I didn't believe that a "God" would have a "perfect plan" for a little girl to see a world the way she did.  'He's not there, He doesn't care about me, He left me alone.'  Then I became angry, but I was never given the chance to be angry at the people who hurt me, no, I let them take all of my power; I turned that anger into hate- self hate.  "Why would God (if He really exists) do this to me?  Why would He do this... I must be bad.  I must deserve this.  I must be punished."  I tried to take control of something so I controlled the dirty, rotten, bad feelings inside me.  I thought I could be clean if I didn't put bad things in me... bad things, bad things like food.

Now why would a religion make someone feel so inferior?  When God forgot about me I felt like I was nothing, like I wasn't even human because "Jesus LOVES the little children, all the children of the world."  But Jesus didn't love me enough to keep me safe, so therefore...  This THING that is meant to give people hope and healing was making me feel worthless. Jesus died on the cross for our sins "Please God, forgive them, for they know not what they've done."  I didn't want to forgive because to me that meant forgetting and I wouldn't let that happen.  Why have these horrible things been forgiven, justified?  It just doesn't seem right.  I felt betrayed and invalidated by the very POWER that was supposed to save me.

Years past of thinking and feeling like this.  Several miserable years.  Still sometimes I couldn't handle Earth on my own and I cried for help... nothing.  A few weeks ago my psychiatrist wanted me to try a "Christian Renewal" Eating Disorders program.  I laughed and said "no" I refused.  A week past and I saw her again even more dead than I was before, she sat in her office with me for well over an hour as I built up the courage to call.  I was being admitted the next day.  When I got there I was set on not changing.  The Eating Disorder had filled the holes that were left when God forgot me.  The Eating Disorder was always there... but it wanted to kill me.  There was chapel morning and evening, 7 days a week.  The first several days I stayed in my room, then one morning my therapist came up and said that she thought I should go, so I walked that direction and sat in the hall and listened.  The Chaplin was talking about how "God loves you no matter what, and He has always been there, He has felt your pain and taken your pain for you." I thought and thought and thought... I thought that something had to change or I was going to die.  So that night I walked in and sat in the back, I allowed myself to take it all in.  I kept going, thinking that if I try hard enough to believe than a miracle will happen.  I'll get better.

One day the Chaplin preached about how you have to have FAITH, you have to believe with your heart that He will heal you and you will be healed.  I spent my second weekend there in the chapel just thinking, trying to make amends and put the pieces back together.  I thought I was making progress and that God really was with me all along, because if he wasn't, than I would surely be dead.  Much worse could have happened, maybe those things happened because people have free-will.  Maybe He has a purpose for me and I had to know what it felt like to be there so that I could help someone else.  I believed and I cried and I prayed and asked for forgiveness because I just wanted to be at peace.  Then Monday came and we got a call from the Insurance company that I was being kicked out that Friday.  Why?  Sabotage.  This is my LIFE, this is not a game of cards.  How could you kick me out of the hospital?  Every time... everytime.

I don't know why but I kept walking into chapel every day and every night.  I worked so hard to be ready to leave early.  All of those fears of abandonment were resurfacing, but the Chaplin told me that God wanted me to forgive the past... look forward, because living in the past is like driving a car backwards; that is not what cars are made for. 

Here I am, day one of my New Beginning.  It's been rough, but I know that it will be worth it.  I have a purpose, and that purpose is not to be fertilizer. 

What I learned

A few weeks ago, maybe a month ago I went "off the deep end."  I fell into the eating disorder harder and faster than I ever have.  Everything came back and completely took control of my life.  All of the bad memories, impulses, self-destruction, self-hate- it was all louder than ever.  I don't know how I managed to fall so hard so fast, and I don't think I really expected it either, but for a solid week at least I was convinced I wouldn't make it to see another sunrise or sunset.  I had been convinced by these voices inside my head that food was toxic and food wanted to kill me.  I was sure that this place called Earth wasn't for me and that I should run away and never return.  I almost did.  My psych, PCP, and therapist were very worried but I refused to open my eyes and see it.  They asked me to go to Brookhaven several times and I kept saying "no."  I had heard things about Brookhaven... not good things.  The eating disorder program is 21 days, "that is not enough to change me; I'll never get better in 21 days."  Friday, August 9th, after every other option was exhausted and I was sure I was as good as gone I drove myself to Brookhaven and checked myself in.  I walked past the Behavioral Health patients, drug addicts, suicidal, homicidal, hallucinatory, schizophrenic, alcoholic, depressed... I thought, "did they send me to the wrong floor?"  I was terrified.  The first thing they did after checking me in was stick a feeding tube up my nose.  Then they left me in my room to cry for hours until I fell asleep.  The weekend was awful, I didn't eat or really go to groups.  I was going through diet pill detox so I slept most of the time.  Finally Monday came and things started to make sense.  My brain started thinking right thanks to the liter of Ensure Plus they were giving me every night through my tube.  I got to know the two other girls that were there for the eating disorder program.  We became sisters very quickly.  Then I met the therapist Vickie, and the dietician Valerie... They helped me grow so much and learn so much about myself.  Vickie knew what she was talking about and she knew what was going on inside my mind, she could be so serious and loving and supportive, and she was also comical and graceful and trustworthy.  She helped me get my power back.
Food doesn't deserve my power
The number on the scale doesn't deserve my power
The people who have hurt me do not deserve my power
The past does not define me
I am more than an eating disorder; than a number; than a disease; than a label
I am worthy of living a life without those voices that tell me I can't
I have good qualities
I have dreams and ambitions
I want to be a play therapist
That scale won't get me anywhere but dead.  Then the people who need me will be cheated by this disease.
After 14 days my insurance refused to pay so I had to leave.  I feel like they sabotaged me because I was getting better but I was convinced that three weeks wouldn't save me, so how would two weeks?  I begged to stay, this place that I didn't want to ever go to was changing my life, and then I was being kicked out.  I found out 5 days before discharge that I was leaving early.  I had to complete two weeks of work in one week of time.  My tube feedings were moved to the day so I could be supervised because I was messing with it at night.  The tube was pulled out two days before discharge and I had to drink the liter of Ensure Plus orally.  Now that I'm home I can't afford that, that is four cans a day and 6 cans is about $12.  I spent $130 on groceries and protein supplements today.  I have never even spent half that much on groceries.  I'm really scared I won't be able to keep this up though.  This morning I woke up and thought, "it would be so easy to go back to ed today..." I want to make it until I see my therapist on Monday though, and I know that Vickie and Valerie are rooting for me.  It sucks that I had bonded so much with them and now I never get to see them again.  I didn't even get three weeks.  Just another slap in the face.  But Vickie told me to eat a piece of pineapple upside down cake at 5 o'clock on September 3rd and she will be eating one too in celebration of my 21st birthday.  She said she will never forget me... I cried as I walked out the doors and looked back on this place that gave me another chance to live in just two weeks.  I see my psych on September 4th and the first thing I'm going to go is say "thank you" and give her a hug.  I thought she was crazy when she said "Brookhaven" but I was crazy for not trusting her.

Elipses

I keep coming back to this
This feeling…
                Dirty…  
                                Disgusting…
                                                Worthless…
                                                                Shame…

Nothing speaks louder than the voices
That play over and over again in my head
Like a lullaby sending me to my death bed
The only peace I will find
Lies beneath the sky
                Beneath the trees
                                The dew covered grass
                                                And the Oklahoma clay

I can’t think for myself anymore
Every action has to be approved
By these voices inside of me
I feel like I’ve lost myself
Maybe I was never found
But now I am further away than yesterday
                Further from home
                                Away like a stray bullet
                                                Or a runaway balloon

These voices are just hiding
The voice that really needs to be heard
The voice of the girl
Who doesn’t understand
Why it all happened like this
                Why her?
                                Why?
                                                Why me?

There is too much to say so leave it alone
Silence takes the next prey
A life is forgotten
All of those people who really cared…
                Are disappointed
                                Feel  rejected
                                                They are left with only questions
                                                                But so was I…

Parents… gave their everything
To raise the perfect children
How could they know one kept a secret?
How… ?
How were they supposed to see
                Behind the walls
                                Behind the mask
                                                The tears… the scars… the reality?

And so the voices and the secrets
Bring guilt to the scapegoat
Who could ever know
The pain that she carries?
No one… it’s my secret and you can’t have it.

Headgame

What have I come to?
Where did I go?
When was it decided that my life would be like this?
Running around in circles
Fearful of every pound
Appeasing the negative voices
With thoughts of sadness and destruction
I have never felt normal
Maybe I could have been happy
But it seems so impossible right now
To think about ever touching recovery
Everyday my fears get bigger
And I feel like I spend every moment
Learning more and more about what I can't do
My dreams are purely fantasy
Meanwhile all I want to do is melt away and disappear
Because no matter what they say...
I will never be good enough
I don't deserve love
It's not like I matter anyway
I feel like my almost 21 years have been wasted
And that I'm nothing more than a punching bag
I thought we were supposed to be free
But they wouldn't let me be
Now I am running in circles
Wondering when time will finally stop.

Support?

I wish it was up to me to change my future... right now it feels like my "disease" is trying so hard to prove to everyone that I have absolutely no control over it.  I'm not being heard by the people I care about the most.  Maybe my expectations of people are too unrealistic and maybe I'm asking too much.  Is asking for someone to show they care asking too much?  I'm kind of devistated and alone right now.  I feel abandoned once again and it got me thinking... I am stuck in the past because I can't get away from it.  It still follows me everywhere I go and is still very much a part of who I am.  The happy memories are few and far between and they are becoming harder and harder to recognize and remember... but the bad is still there, everywhere I go; in public, at work, at school, in my dreams and nightmares, and of course at home.  How can I "Just forget" something that is still happening to me?  That's the frustrating part... I think everyone is assuming that I'm no longer in a dangerous place and I can just move on, but that's not the case... I don't feel safe; there is no sense of security... I feel vunerable and weak and scarred to death.  I feel like I could be wasting away, and then what? Then would they come to their senses?  Then would they realize that they hurt me or even aknowledge that I'm in pain?  Sometimes it's better to think about what it would be like if it all went away, but I am tied to it, I would have to go too.  You can't rip out the nails because it is the very thing that is holding me down that has held me up for so long....
That's my final thought for tonight, I
m tired and have an early day tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll have another poem up soon. <3

The Shell

I guess I just don’t understand
Why you took something so beautiful
And turned it away like it was nothing
Nothing seemed to matter
No damage was enough
You kept hurting me
And to prove what?
You are no longer innocent,
No longer clean
Now people can see
The lies you tell
About how you’re “okay”
Or “fine” or “swell”
You have used me to prove
That nothing stays the same
You hurt me to show
All of the tears and pain
You hide it so well
With a laugh or a smile
I want you to know
That you’ve been hurting for awhile
And all along you have hurt me too
Because you feel like a prisoner
Trapped inside a living hell
I’ve held you captive
At my own expense
To keep you alive
When you wanted anything but this
Now hurting has become so familiar
That you don’t know another behavior
It’s automatic to go to me
When you want to hurt
When you want to cry or bleed
I’m always there to keep you captive
To lock you up when you want to flee
I saved you but by doing so
I have killed the me on the inside
Now to me
It seems
That you are a hollow shell
No longer the person you once were
You are no longer that little girl
She disappeared a long time ago
I couldn’t hold her back
I failed to keep her safe
And now I realize that you died long ago
I couldn’t save you either
I know that is why you punish me
To get revenge
I let you get hurt
I let you die
Now it’s too late to apologize
Nothing can soften my cries
When I think about the beautiful person
That died on the inside.

Seamless

Once upon a time in a perfect world
There was a perfect girl
With a perfect life
A perfect family with perfect advice
She woke up each morning at perfect o’clock
Ate a bowl of perfection and ran to the bus stop
She had the perfect seat next to the perfect guy
She got to school with perfect time
Her morning classes went perfectly
Every test was aced so easily
When the lunch bell rang she gathered her girls
They sat together and ate perfect salad and then perfectly hurled
The rest of the day went as perfectly as before
She owned the room when she walked through the door
And her perfect life went on forever
Conflict was a perfect never
The last bell sang a perfect tune
Then she ran home to enjoy a perfect afternoon…
 
Each day was the same perfect routine
But in a perfect world there is no such thing
There is no sad, mad, or bad
No shit that you want to forget
There is no such thing as tears, or fears
No one has ever hurt you, burnt you,
Or left you scared…
 
Here we are and we know this is ridiculous
Even those perfect girls you idolized
Were far from flawless
Someone used to think you were perfect
But you were hiding behind closed doors
If only they knew the storms you’ve walked through
Maybe things could be different too…