I'm not yours anymore.

This is for that thing the doctors call Eating Disorder
                Anorexia Nervosa
That voice that pretends to be your friend
And promises to be with you till the very end
 
It lurks inside the pages of a magazine
Airbrushed dolls and fake promises
That make you feel inferior, less than you are

…LESS than perfect.

 
It hides in the fairytales we were promised in our youth
That one day all of the hurt we have gone through
Would lead us to a Happily Ever After

…but then they told us to grow up

 
It waits for the times that you’ve fallen short
The could-have-been’s, should-have

…tried harder

 
This thing, this voice,     this LIE
Tells us that if we obey
All of the pain will go away
 
It told me I could be perfect
And worthy of love… if I listened
Then it told me I was dirty
And worthless and less than.
 
It told me that it could help me
It came in and filled the spaces left empty
As long as it was mine… or maybe I was it’s
Those empty spaces and broken pieces
Didn’t seem to matter anymore
 
Each day grew worse as I grew thinner
It told me that I was only as good as a number
 
I’d look in the mirror,
Salty water rushed down my face
Because it told me I was a fat and ugly disgrace
I took up too much space.
 
This selfish monster told me
That God didn’t care enough to finish when he made me
And that all of the imperfections it found
Were there BECAUSE I was too ruined
Too bad to be completed
 
Like one of those countless projects started

And then discarded

Instead of loving every curve
Every, lump, every freckle, every scar
Every tear and every silly laugh
Instead of loving the feelings I get
When I rest my delicate fingers on my heart
And feel the life beat on inside me

…even when it feels like I’ve turned to stone

Instead of LOVING all that I’ve loved
And believing that I matter…
 
I was told to run away
And be anywhere but the body I was trapped in
 
What’s saddest of all,
Is that I am and I was never alone
Teens, adults, mothers, sisters
Grandmothers, daughters, wives, friends…
CHILDREN…
Little girls in grade school
Are learning to hate their bodies
And even hate the person on the inside
As well as the God that so carefully made them
Everyone is striving to be someone else
No one believes they are beautiful anymore
It’s tragic.
What are we willing to do to change?
Diseases take so many too soon
But this disease doesn’t have to.
 
It doesn’t deserve those spaces inside me
That are patiently waiting for good things to fill
It doesn’t deserve a seat at the table
After all, who is paying the bill?
It doesn’t deserve to write on my body
With a few sharp blades and some diet pills
I can’t say that Anorexia will never show its ugly face

It will come sometimes…

In the magazines, the fairytales, and the times we fall

Just to remind me of where I came from
And that I never want to go back.
 
Without me to call its own
This monster has one less prey
Life has more meaning than words on stone
“I’m sorry it ended this way”
Without me to fill it’s need
There is one more life that got away
 
Because I have plans
Plans to finally be heard
Plans to help those who are insecure
Because of whatever voices are talking to them
I’ve been there, I’ve heard it too
But I am done listening to you.
You, “ana,”  are not allowed here
You pretended to be my friend
Then my life, you tried to end
 
I am greater than you
I am stronger than the web of lies you’ve spun
You are just a thought
Your time has come and gone
                                                                               
You made food the enemy
You made me hate myself
I am done with you
I have better things to do.