Support?

I wish it was up to me to change my future... right now it feels like my "disease" is trying so hard to prove to everyone that I have absolutely no control over it.  I'm not being heard by the people I care about the most.  Maybe my expectations of people are too unrealistic and maybe I'm asking too much.  Is asking for someone to show they care asking too much?  I'm kind of devistated and alone right now.  I feel abandoned once again and it got me thinking... I am stuck in the past because I can't get away from it.  It still follows me everywhere I go and is still very much a part of who I am.  The happy memories are few and far between and they are becoming harder and harder to recognize and remember... but the bad is still there, everywhere I go; in public, at work, at school, in my dreams and nightmares, and of course at home.  How can I "Just forget" something that is still happening to me?  That's the frustrating part... I think everyone is assuming that I'm no longer in a dangerous place and I can just move on, but that's not the case... I don't feel safe; there is no sense of security... I feel vunerable and weak and scarred to death.  I feel like I could be wasting away, and then what? Then would they come to their senses?  Then would they realize that they hurt me or even aknowledge that I'm in pain?  Sometimes it's better to think about what it would be like if it all went away, but I am tied to it, I would have to go too.  You can't rip out the nails because it is the very thing that is holding me down that has held me up for so long....
That's my final thought for tonight, I
m tired and have an early day tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll have another poem up soon. <3

The Shell

I guess I just don’t understand
Why you took something so beautiful
And turned it away like it was nothing
Nothing seemed to matter
No damage was enough
You kept hurting me
And to prove what?
You are no longer innocent,
No longer clean
Now people can see
The lies you tell
About how you’re “okay”
Or “fine” or “swell”
You have used me to prove
That nothing stays the same
You hurt me to show
All of the tears and pain
You hide it so well
With a laugh or a smile
I want you to know
That you’ve been hurting for awhile
And all along you have hurt me too
Because you feel like a prisoner
Trapped inside a living hell
I’ve held you captive
At my own expense
To keep you alive
When you wanted anything but this
Now hurting has become so familiar
That you don’t know another behavior
It’s automatic to go to me
When you want to hurt
When you want to cry or bleed
I’m always there to keep you captive
To lock you up when you want to flee
I saved you but by doing so
I have killed the me on the inside
Now to me
It seems
That you are a hollow shell
No longer the person you once were
You are no longer that little girl
She disappeared a long time ago
I couldn’t hold her back
I failed to keep her safe
And now I realize that you died long ago
I couldn’t save you either
I know that is why you punish me
To get revenge
I let you get hurt
I let you die
Now it’s too late to apologize
Nothing can soften my cries
When I think about the beautiful person
That died on the inside.