On another note this is the collage I made about my past, present, and future.
The far left upper corner is my childhood, my abuse took place in a green house filled with cacti and to this day it is my secret I hide from my family. Others, like my therapist and close friends know a little bit about it, but my family is clueless. My abuse was incest so it is a heavy secret to carry.
Underneath the cactus is a paw print and a child's hand print, it represents how important animals have been for me because my trauma occurred at such a young age I quickly learned that animals would never judge me and never ask why I am upset- they just know. They stretch every time they wake up because they know that is what they need to do. Animals are a lot wiser than we give them credit for.
In the bottom left hand corner is the messages I sent and received through school; the need to be perfect at everything I do and the bullying that took place because of that expectation.
The broken school house is my entire experience with education thus far. I was bullied a lot then abused by my choir teacher, hence the tragedy face. My Sophmore year of highscool my Anut tried to commit suicide while I was away at girlscout camp. The prescription bottle is there because she over-dosed and I have come very close to over-dosing myself. Senior year I ran away from home and slept on the couch of whoever would take me in, some nights I slept in my car, I now live at home again and could sleep in a bed, but I chose the couch or the floor as a form of punishment. I'm working on that tough...
"Unwanted" is a huge core belief for me; unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unimportant... With all of that I feel completely empty and alone right now, I feel like I have no identity, I'm "lost" ...terribly lost and confused.
The Wicked Witch has always been a ralateable archetype for me, she is different, she was born different and was never given a fair chance to be good. I see myself as Wicked just as everyone saw her as Wicked. It only makes sense that there is a self fulfilling prophecy.
The Golden Trefoil is the universal symbol recognized for girl scouts, my saving grace. It is what finally allowed me to look for help for my eating disorder and depression.
Ice cream is the first binge I can remember, my parents had left me home alone for days and called to say they were stopping by the casino on their way home from their trip... I felt rejected and unwanted and empty so I grabbed a tub of ice cream and ate until it hurt so much I was in tears. I was only 9 years old. As for the marshmellows... my Dad used to stuff a marshmellow in my mouth every time I cried to get me to be quiet. It became a punishment with a sweet reward and it also became a joke... just give me a marshmellow to shut me up.
And the right side is what I want my future to me. I want recovery, education, confidence, and acceptance. I don't know that I will ever get there but that is the goal.
I do have a lot on my mind right now that I should probably talk about, but just thinking about it hurts so I will say I have done enough processing for today. Goodbye for now...
