Survivor

When I walk through the shadows of the desert

I didn’t think I would ever see the leaves grow again

Everything that surrounded me was broken

Dead and damaged and abandoned…

Every life around me was angry and starving

Stomachs yearning for a fresh bite of meat

I am a feast for them

But first they must break my skin

With the weight of the world trying to hold me back

In the darkness I defy the odds

I walk past dead trees

I push away boulders

I am making my own path now

I am strong and wise and I never forget

But I learn from it.

 

You can’t hurt me

Hush now carnivores

This is my land

I’m going to a place where peace is all around me

Where the sun pushes through the shadows

And illuminates an existence worth believing in

Where the leaves grow high on the trees

Where animals linger around the watering hole

And birds soar with the breeze

 

There…

It may get dark at times

But it will never be the same dark I once knew

In this dark I can see the stars

They will guide me through the night

And protect me as I rest

There

I’ll have a family to love me

I will be a part of something wonderful

 

The shadows will give life to a beautiful being

And so it will continue

I will be strong

A conqueror of the desert

A persevere’er

I will be a story of overcoming

A sage

A survivor

TWagg

When I was a junior in High School the cast of Anything Goes was getting fitted for their "costumes" for the show.  It was my turn and my director was having a hard time which outfit to put on me... She said something about modeling the costumes for the choir because I had the 1920's "look."  I tried on this red dress which ended up being the one I wore for the big dance number; she looked at me and said "You know, you would be a great model if you would just whiten your teeth."  I worked at MedX at the time and I had wanted whiter teeth for a while but my dentist kept saying that my enamel wasn't strong enough.  Well, over the past four years I have spent over $200 on white strips and whitening toothpaste.  I used my employee discount on two boxes of the "professional strength" Crest white strips.  It worked and before opening night my teeth were good enough for her... but I never was.  Four years later and between stomach acid and veganism and whitening treatments I have absolutely no enamel left on my teeth.  I didn't go to the dentist after that because I knew they would tell me to stop and I didn't want to. 

Yesterday the cast list went up for the school musical, it's my little sister's senior year.  There is a new director and he isn't any better.  Ms. Waggoner really played with my head and when the cast list for Grease went up my senior year and my freshman little sister got a better role than I did (I was cast as "extra" and she was a cheerleader) I was devastated... and to make matters worse I got the girl who played Sandy into choir, she was my best friend for awhile then she joined the musical and essentially replaced me as she turned everyone and their dog against me.  It was a tragedy to me because being a lead in the musical was all I ever wanted.  Ms. Waggoner said that my dancing audition was horrible (she actually had her "assistant" tell me that)... well she let me dance once then never called me back on stage for three hours while she watched everyone else go over their audition countless times.  She had me as a dancer the year before in Anything Goes and when I did those auditions she said I was a "natural dancer."  I wonder what happened?  That week of auditions for Grease I told myself I would do anything for the lead... even starve (because in my sick mind at the time that is what I thought would get me to where I wanted to be.)  All I ate that week was half of a vegetarian subway 6" sandwich with no cheese, veggies, and light vinaigrette dressing.

Anyway now my little sister is experiencing the same devastation because she got a crappy role her senior year... it's a role and her director doesn't hate her, but still.  I don't know how to support her because it still hurts to think about the morning the cast list went up and my heart sank to the bottom of the sea.  I ended up in the hospital a few days later.  I gave my life to musical theatre, if TWagg told me to shit a brick I would have.  I know how my little sister feels, we had a good talk last night, but it still hurts and I feel like I may be invalidating her feelings by saying that I know what she is feeling... because I don't, everyone feels things differently, but I can relate a lot and she knows that. 

This is kind of my dropping the iron curtain because I don't think anybody really understands what TWagg did to me and it's been 4 years.  I blocked almost every person that became her "pet" and defended her... It's so frustrating because I defended her when she said offensive and racist comments to my friends like "you can't look Latino."  I said she was a perfectionist and wanted what was best for us and for the show. 

One day I had a panic attack in class and she kept conducting like nothing was happening, I left to go to the bathroom and pull myself together and as I came back in she laughed at me.  When I got out of the hospital in October my senior year she pulled me "aside" (even though we were still in front of the class) and said "Are you okay?" I said yeah and she said "How could you do that to your Mother, you are a horrible daughter."  She yelled at me and told me to "stop looking like death" that December in front of 100 people as we were practicing for the Masterworks concert.  It became clear she didn't give a shit about me but I still thought I could change that. 

I know it's not good to be stuck in the past, but this one still hurts like an open wound and with my sister's senior musical coming up I can feel the wound reopening.  Choir was my home, my family, my escape... then it was all ripped out from under me and no one cared a bit.  They all turned on me.

I don't want this to be a pity party, I just want those of you who knew TWagg to see the real person and what she did to me.  Keep hateful comments to yourself.  This is my experience and I'm sick of people talking her up to be a wonderful person.   

You Are More

This one is for all of you ladies out there who don't think you're good enough.  It hurts my heart to see you talk that way, but I know how you feel and I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong to feel that, but this is a LIE.  You matter so much and I can't stand the thought of losing any more of you.  I need you to see what I see when I look at you.  I have so many friends that are slowly killing themselves thinking that somehow the eating disorder will make them happy and special.  It doesn't work, Loves.  It's not worth it.  Give your time to something worthwhile, something that will really make you feel better.  DREAM BIG.  Aim for the stars, have a plan for the future that doesn't involve being buried under six feet of dirt.  You are worth more than a number, than a size, than a name or a label.  You are the only you in existence.  You are unique and special and you matter so, so very much.  I know what you are thinking... it's scary and unsure, but what else is there to lose when you have fallen this far?  Don't give this your power anymore, food doesn't deserve that from you, neither does the number on the scale or the memories from your past.  You are irreplaceable.  We cannot be another tombstone in society's grave of starved, depressed, and perpetually waiting for someone to say "I care."  I care.  Your disease tells you that you don't matter and that you need to disappear.  My heart couldn't take that Dear.  I need you here.  Please don't give up, don't let ED win.  You are more than an eating disorder or a diagnosis... The past hurts, and by no means am I discounting that, but each day, every hour, every meal, every minute, every bite is your chance to make new and happy memories.  Redefine your past.  Reclaim your life.  Don't let ED take another friend from me <3 

I don't know what else to say...

Decade

It really does feel...
Like someone has stabbed me in the heart;
Stood in front of me
Looked me in the eye
Pulled out a dagger
And shoved it in my heart.

I can feel it hurt
I can feel it go in
I feel the warm blood trickle
Then flow down my skin
I feel short of breath
As the life leaves me slowly

I can't breathe
The room starts to spin
Everything is fuzzy
I can't remember anything
But what it feels like
To be stabbed in the heart

He pulls the blade out and I fall
Into my own pool of blood
My heart still tries to beat
But I am dead...

Now I know how it feels
To be dissected
I thought I was okay
But now I can't heal

Imagine looking someone in the face
Over and over again
And seeing the knife go in
And feel like it's you that had sinned

Now you can see right through me
Now I am vulnerable and weak
Now I am barely breathing
Now I have forgotten how to speak

I didn't feel for a while
Maybe I still don't feel like I should
But it hurts none-the-less
A dagger driven into the heart

What Will Become

When the sun goes down tonight
And the stars shine bright
What will happen to the sunlight?

When the war is over
And the nation has surrendered
What becomes of the solider?

When I close my eyes
And the colors begin to fly
What will dream world hide?

I hold my breath and count to ten
Wishing that it can erase the badness within
And make me forget what happened then

What will happen now,
Now that I wear my heart on my sleeve
And you can see the broken me?

Spite

"God wouldn't put you through anything you couldn't handle"
I got so tired of hearing that... like I wasn't in enough pain for them to notice.  It was "all in God's hands."  Well how do you explain why people die from grief and disease?  They couldn't handle it... Is that God's fault then?  Where is the line drawn in the sand...
So maybe if I died going through this "storm" that you say will "always end with a rainbow" would it be enough to convince you that God doesn't love me?  It's almost like I wanted to say "Ha, God, look at me, you lied to me, I'm dying and you said I would be okay."  Every time someone wanted to play the God card with me I wanted to prove them wrong.  I needed to prove to them that I was completely alone because I was tired of being invalidated.
With it all in your hands how is this plan so "perfect?"  People have free will... things happen, things go wrong and people are hurt and they hurt others.  The world is nothing short of chaos and disaster.  All I ever wanted was peace... just to be able to sit in silence for a minute and know that nothing was wrong.  What a moment that would be!  Maybe that is what Your plan is supposed to be, but people change it.  Maybe You don't 'put us through things' but are there to walk beside us and carry us when we do step into the darkness.  I don't think you would send us there on purpose... send me there. 
I have to believe this or I'm sent back to that dark place where believing in you is like a fairytale or Santa Clause; it's nice in theory, but sooner or later you have to grow up. 
"Everything happens for a reason"
So what I've been told is that rape, murder. incest, kidnapping, domestic abuse, violence, gangs, cancer, terminal illness, freak accidents, and abandonment all happen to make us better and stronger?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or it just slowly eats you alive as you lose everything sane about you and turn into a shell of the person you used to be.  Sometimes what doesn't kill us makes us forget that we are strong... as Human Beings we are strong But when something dark happens it's easy to forget.  It's easy to feel like you're nobody and like God doesn't care, or that He forgot about you because He let this happen.  I feel like I don't matter, that I'm unlovable, less than human, and damaged.  Maybe just as damaged and forgotten as the people who hurt me.  But that's just it you see, people hurt me, not You...

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It was then that I carried you... Maybe He didn't point me in the direction that brought me into the shadows.  Maybe He saved me from something worse... maybe when I couldn't walk anymore He brought me to a safer place because the road I was on was too dangerous.  It's nice to believe, to think that someone has seen me through the years.  It's good to feel less alone.  I'm not going to beat the Bible over someone, but just feeling like there is something to turn to when you have no where else to turn is a relief in itself. 

I don't really know what this post is truly about, I started this a couple of days ago and decided I needed to finish.  I'm afraid of being judged, but I hope that I'm not the only one out there that feels like this... I hope this helps someone <3

 

 

 

Fairytales

As you read this keep in mind... I wrote this when I was going through a really difficult time last month.  This is meeting me where I am, take what you can and leave the rest.

 

She hurt herself you see
She fell...
Her dress is torn and her flesh is wounded
She has been bleeding and crying
Her wings won't carry her anymore
They are broken
Her faith is shattered

It was a long fall you see,
And she passed many Angels on the way down
    down...
         down...
              down...

No one could help her now
She had to repair herself
With a needle and thread
She stitched together her grown
And many bandages hid her damaged skin
Blood still trickled out
And tears still fell
So maybe she was still alive.

She mended her wings the best she could
But neither bandage, brace, nor needle and thread
Could mend the brokenness inside her head

You see...
She didn't just fall
Somebody dropped her
And now she feels like she doesn't belong.
Unwanted.
What if she gets back up just to fall again?
To be cast off and rejected.

You made me
You say that you will walk beside me
You promise there will be no pain I can't survive
Then why have I been dying inside?
I must have done something to deserve this
You wouldn't just let this happen...
    Would you?

You love me... or so they say
In your "perfect plan" did you mean to walk away?
Did you know I was going to feel forgotten
And like you didn't care enough to remember?

Did you finish when you were making me?
Because it feels like you forgot some pieces
Maybe there's still some parts left over
That are supposed to be a part of me
I think you forgot to sew in my soul...

Body Love

I haven't shared a video in awhile.  I came across this right after I got out of Brookhaven and cried like a baby.  Everything about this is beauty... I just don't have the words to say how much I love this video, this poem, this woman.  Do yourself a favor and watch this <3

New Beginnings

Today

Today I am 21 years young
I have 21 years in my pocket
To teach me
And help me grow

I have 21 years inside me
To guide me
Through the bumps in the road

Because those years inside me
Zero through twenty
Have all taught me
Something valuable
How to love
Who to love
What to dream of
Where to go
Why I feel
Happy, mad, sad, glad

It all matters
It is all a part of me
And makes me 21 years young

I’m still young,
Because I still have a lot to do
Many places to go
And things to become

I’m still young
Because I’m still learning
With each day passed
I grow a little bit wiser.

Sometimes growing older scares me
Not because of the wrinkles
Or anything like that…

But because it means more time
More days spent afraid of living
Instead of living fearlessly

I’m 21 years young today
And I am starting a new beginning
I won’t start over
Because I have learned from my past
But whatever happened then
To make me become afraid
Of growing old
Doesn’t matter anymore
My new goal in life
Is to see how many wrinkles I can collect

I want to never feel so small
Because living in fear is no life at all