TWagg

When I was a junior in High School the cast of Anything Goes was getting fitted for their "costumes" for the show.  It was my turn and my director was having a hard time which outfit to put on me... She said something about modeling the costumes for the choir because I had the 1920's "look."  I tried on this red dress which ended up being the one I wore for the big dance number; she looked at me and said "You know, you would be a great model if you would just whiten your teeth."  I worked at MedX at the time and I had wanted whiter teeth for a while but my dentist kept saying that my enamel wasn't strong enough.  Well, over the past four years I have spent over $200 on white strips and whitening toothpaste.  I used my employee discount on two boxes of the "professional strength" Crest white strips.  It worked and before opening night my teeth were good enough for her... but I never was.  Four years later and between stomach acid and veganism and whitening treatments I have absolutely no enamel left on my teeth.  I didn't go to the dentist after that because I knew they would tell me to stop and I didn't want to. 

Yesterday the cast list went up for the school musical, it's my little sister's senior year.  There is a new director and he isn't any better.  Ms. Waggoner really played with my head and when the cast list for Grease went up my senior year and my freshman little sister got a better role than I did (I was cast as "extra" and she was a cheerleader) I was devastated... and to make matters worse I got the girl who played Sandy into choir, she was my best friend for awhile then she joined the musical and essentially replaced me as she turned everyone and their dog against me.  It was a tragedy to me because being a lead in the musical was all I ever wanted.  Ms. Waggoner said that my dancing audition was horrible (she actually had her "assistant" tell me that)... well she let me dance once then never called me back on stage for three hours while she watched everyone else go over their audition countless times.  She had me as a dancer the year before in Anything Goes and when I did those auditions she said I was a "natural dancer."  I wonder what happened?  That week of auditions for Grease I told myself I would do anything for the lead... even starve (because in my sick mind at the time that is what I thought would get me to where I wanted to be.)  All I ate that week was half of a vegetarian subway 6" sandwich with no cheese, veggies, and light vinaigrette dressing.

Anyway now my little sister is experiencing the same devastation because she got a crappy role her senior year... it's a role and her director doesn't hate her, but still.  I don't know how to support her because it still hurts to think about the morning the cast list went up and my heart sank to the bottom of the sea.  I ended up in the hospital a few days later.  I gave my life to musical theatre, if TWagg told me to shit a brick I would have.  I know how my little sister feels, we had a good talk last night, but it still hurts and I feel like I may be invalidating her feelings by saying that I know what she is feeling... because I don't, everyone feels things differently, but I can relate a lot and she knows that. 

This is kind of my dropping the iron curtain because I don't think anybody really understands what TWagg did to me and it's been 4 years.  I blocked almost every person that became her "pet" and defended her... It's so frustrating because I defended her when she said offensive and racist comments to my friends like "you can't look Latino."  I said she was a perfectionist and wanted what was best for us and for the show. 

One day I had a panic attack in class and she kept conducting like nothing was happening, I left to go to the bathroom and pull myself together and as I came back in she laughed at me.  When I got out of the hospital in October my senior year she pulled me "aside" (even though we were still in front of the class) and said "Are you okay?" I said yeah and she said "How could you do that to your Mother, you are a horrible daughter."  She yelled at me and told me to "stop looking like death" that December in front of 100 people as we were practicing for the Masterworks concert.  It became clear she didn't give a shit about me but I still thought I could change that. 

I know it's not good to be stuck in the past, but this one still hurts like an open wound and with my sister's senior musical coming up I can feel the wound reopening.  Choir was my home, my family, my escape... then it was all ripped out from under me and no one cared a bit.  They all turned on me.

I don't want this to be a pity party, I just want those of you who knew TWagg to see the real person and what she did to me.  Keep hateful comments to yourself.  This is my experience and I'm sick of people talking her up to be a wonderful person.