On Depression and PTSD

It’s amazing how easy it is to hide behind a mask
You can deceive ALMOST everyone
There is always one or two that can see right through
There’s one or two that see you at the bottom of the cave
They threw a rope down to hoist you back up
But you can’t hold on.
Maybe it’s the rope, or maybe it’s you…
Maybe you don’t want to go back up,
Because the path up is too scary,
The light at the top is unfamiliar
It feels easier to be trapped in the darkness
Maybe I can make a home down here?
Those people that don’t know… they think you’re okay
They see a smile and think you’re great,
But down here I feel so lonely, so empty, so broken

I hear you call me “lazy”
I hear you tell me to do something meaningful
I hear you say it’s my own fault
I hear you whisper; I’m a failure, I’m disgusting, I’m pathetic
Do you hear me cry?
All I think about is how happy you must be,
That you got away with hurting me.
Now I feel nothing… I find it hard to breathe down here
You have no idea what you did to me
That in itself is what makes me so angry

When I lay down at night to fall asleep
I first have to drift through the years of abuse I’ve endured
I hear everything
I call myself a failure
Because I survived
Dying felt like the only way out of the pain
I remember this cave…
It felt like I was the only inhabitant
And it felt like there was absolutely no hope
I thought even my medication was wasted on me
All of the time, money, food, help… effort
Spent on me was a waste
Because in my cave I wasn’t meant to survive. 

I think that’s why I hate myself so much right now
I wasn’t meant to survive
But I did…
I never deserved the people at the top, throwing me a safety line
Providing me a life, another chance to breathe again
I hate my body because it works, and I don’t deserve that
I hate my soul because it hurts… and well, I can’t live with that
I hate my heart because it yearns, for something better that I’ll never achieve

I hate me.  My hopeless life, my useless existence…

All the years and years

And all the hugs, and tears
All the miles traveled
All the hearts I broke
I broke.

I felt so unlovable, so undeserving of love and respect
I let people hurt me, I was just there
I was just there… in the wrong place at the wrong time
And I didn’t care
Or maybe I did, but I told myself it didn’t matter.
I told myself I needed to get over it
I told myself I deserved it

In my cave,
I jump back and fourth
Between memory and memory
I hurt myself with the past
When it comes up and chokes me..
Not to death, never to death
Because it would be too kind to kill me.
Instead you chose to let me live everyday through this pain.
Thank you for that.. I deserved that I guess

I know now that I did not deserve to be hurt like that
But it’s still so hard for me to believe
The memories still catch me,
Even when I’m smiling
You could be there threatening me
In my head you tell me to be afraid
You take away so much
You take and you take
I never get a break

So, when you call me “lazy”
Please remember that I am always running
These thoughts never stop
“useless”
“unlovable”
“stupid”
“failure”
“fat”
“disgusting”
“Just. Give. Up.”

But I won’t
Because I know better now
I know that if I die
My pain doesn’t disappear
It runs away to the next available soul
To those around me
Those who love me
I don’t want to let them down
But sometimes the best I can do
Is this
Please know that I am trying
I feel defeated, but I won’t give up.