I can't believe it has been almost 2 years already... wow there is a lot to catch up on. I'm almost positive no one reads this but to anyone who might stumble across it here is an update.
I'm tired of being "lost in deep thought" and trying to make everything I say worthwhile. I just want to be real for a moment. Real as in, I have an eating disorder. Sometimes I forget the "have" part and mix in "am" ...I am an eating disorder. Although I know this is not true sometimes it is hard for me to believe. I have been struggling for so long, the last time I wrote on this page I was in the midst of a horrible abuse. Well, that's over now but it has left many wounds that sstill have not healed. Sometimes I just feel too broken to fix. I feel like everything that could go wrong does go wrong and everyone is going to hurt me in the end. It is a pathetic and lonely way to live but I know nothing else.
Right now I am trying an Intensive Outpatient program (IOP) for mental health, I've only attended 7 days but so far I feel like I have gotten very little out of it.
I'm also tired of walking on eggshells, if reading this post is somehow going to hurt you then don't read it. This is me, this is real, this is raw. I'm going to try to update this more often, maybe I might get some feedback... that would be nice. This is not by any means my journal.. lets just say it is a story of my journey through anorexia, borderline, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. So here's to the new year... my resolution? Well I don't really know. One of the speakers in IOP told us how he used to walk into a room pf 300 people, and 299 of them were wonderful people and 1 was not so much, he would undoubtably find the 1 person. I always find that one person, the one person that acts like my best friend but brings me down further in the end. My resolution? Change my radar, find one of those 299 people and learn to trust again.
Well that's all for now.. I have to go figure out what I'm going to do with tonights dinner situation.
SURVUVE the New Year and try to make as many happy memories as you can squeeze into it, then tell me so I can smile and share the happiness with you.
