A Selfish Bargain

What do you say when it's too late for "feel better" or "I wish you well" ... or "it can't rain forever"?  When there is no getting better, no chance for a second chance... because no one would listen to you when you needed them to hear.  How do you help someone who is dying... and there's no promise she will see tomorrow, and there is a guarantee that this will kill her.  How can I have hope for myself when I know that hope is destroyed for her. 

Today I found myself making another bargain with God...  "Please God, if you let me see her, let me hold her one last time, I promise I will get better for her.  I promise I will never doubt you again."  We were making plans two days ago to see each other when I get healthy, but she can never get healthy and it kills me.  She is dying, you see.  My best friend deserves another chance more than me, so why am I going to treatment and she has a death sentence?  I can't take this anymore... If I could turn the cards around I would in a heartbeat.  She can't die like this... she can't leave me alone.  I'm sorry, I just can't do this, I can't hold it in anymore.  I don't know if I'll ever see her again but she keeps saying, "be patient" and "have hope" but today she had a stroke.  How are we supposed to cope?  If she had another chance I know she would fight... I know we could make it together and grow old like we all should.  I've only known her for a little over two years, but she knows all of me... she loves me and I love her so very much.  I'm so sorry she is hurting so much... I just want to tell you that it will get better... but the doctors say it will only get worse. 

My best friend....

Please don't leave me.  I know I will always have you, but I need you here with me.  I'm selfish because I know you will be free of pain the day you leave me, but I just can't lose you.  From having no one, we found each other.  I'm so blessed to have met you.  Panda, you will always be my best friend, I will never let you go.  From 500 miles, or Earth to the Stars, I will be holding you tight, telling you that I love you always and forever, and I'll never stop loving you.  We've been through hell Panda, then we helped each other crawl again.  We stood up, walked, fell, then crawled again and again. 

I wish this monster would have never touched you.  I wish you could be free of hurt and pain.  I just want you to know that I'm going to fight right beside you.  I hate so much that this happened... I wish someone would have listened.  I love you my Panda.... you are what a friend should be.