Elipses

I keep coming back to this
This feeling…
                Dirty…  
                                Disgusting…
                                                Worthless…
                                                                Shame…

Nothing speaks louder than the voices
That play over and over again in my head
Like a lullaby sending me to my death bed
The only peace I will find
Lies beneath the sky
                Beneath the trees
                                The dew covered grass
                                                And the Oklahoma clay

I can’t think for myself anymore
Every action has to be approved
By these voices inside of me
I feel like I’ve lost myself
Maybe I was never found
But now I am further away than yesterday
                Further from home
                                Away like a stray bullet
                                                Or a runaway balloon

These voices are just hiding
The voice that really needs to be heard
The voice of the girl
Who doesn’t understand
Why it all happened like this
                Why her?
                                Why?
                                                Why me?

There is too much to say so leave it alone
Silence takes the next prey
A life is forgotten
All of those people who really cared…
                Are disappointed
                                Feel  rejected
                                                They are left with only questions
                                                                But so was I…

Parents… gave their everything
To raise the perfect children
How could they know one kept a secret?
How… ?
How were they supposed to see
                Behind the walls
                                Behind the mask
                                                The tears… the scars… the reality?

And so the voices and the secrets
Bring guilt to the scapegoat
Who could ever know
The pain that she carries?
No one… it’s my secret and you can’t have it.

Headgame

What have I come to?
Where did I go?
When was it decided that my life would be like this?
Running around in circles
Fearful of every pound
Appeasing the negative voices
With thoughts of sadness and destruction
I have never felt normal
Maybe I could have been happy
But it seems so impossible right now
To think about ever touching recovery
Everyday my fears get bigger
And I feel like I spend every moment
Learning more and more about what I can't do
My dreams are purely fantasy
Meanwhile all I want to do is melt away and disappear
Because no matter what they say...
I will never be good enough
I don't deserve love
It's not like I matter anyway
I feel like my almost 21 years have been wasted
And that I'm nothing more than a punching bag
I thought we were supposed to be free
But they wouldn't let me be
Now I am running in circles
Wondering when time will finally stop.