Spite

"God wouldn't put you through anything you couldn't handle"
I got so tired of hearing that... like I wasn't in enough pain for them to notice.  It was "all in God's hands."  Well how do you explain why people die from grief and disease?  They couldn't handle it... Is that God's fault then?  Where is the line drawn in the sand...
So maybe if I died going through this "storm" that you say will "always end with a rainbow" would it be enough to convince you that God doesn't love me?  It's almost like I wanted to say "Ha, God, look at me, you lied to me, I'm dying and you said I would be okay."  Every time someone wanted to play the God card with me I wanted to prove them wrong.  I needed to prove to them that I was completely alone because I was tired of being invalidated.
With it all in your hands how is this plan so "perfect?"  People have free will... things happen, things go wrong and people are hurt and they hurt others.  The world is nothing short of chaos and disaster.  All I ever wanted was peace... just to be able to sit in silence for a minute and know that nothing was wrong.  What a moment that would be!  Maybe that is what Your plan is supposed to be, but people change it.  Maybe You don't 'put us through things' but are there to walk beside us and carry us when we do step into the darkness.  I don't think you would send us there on purpose... send me there. 
I have to believe this or I'm sent back to that dark place where believing in you is like a fairytale or Santa Clause; it's nice in theory, but sooner or later you have to grow up. 
"Everything happens for a reason"
So what I've been told is that rape, murder. incest, kidnapping, domestic abuse, violence, gangs, cancer, terminal illness, freak accidents, and abandonment all happen to make us better and stronger?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or it just slowly eats you alive as you lose everything sane about you and turn into a shell of the person you used to be.  Sometimes what doesn't kill us makes us forget that we are strong... as Human Beings we are strong But when something dark happens it's easy to forget.  It's easy to feel like you're nobody and like God doesn't care, or that He forgot about you because He let this happen.  I feel like I don't matter, that I'm unlovable, less than human, and damaged.  Maybe just as damaged and forgotten as the people who hurt me.  But that's just it you see, people hurt me, not You...

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It was then that I carried you... Maybe He didn't point me in the direction that brought me into the shadows.  Maybe He saved me from something worse... maybe when I couldn't walk anymore He brought me to a safer place because the road I was on was too dangerous.  It's nice to believe, to think that someone has seen me through the years.  It's good to feel less alone.  I'm not going to beat the Bible over someone, but just feeling like there is something to turn to when you have no where else to turn is a relief in itself. 

I don't really know what this post is truly about, I started this a couple of days ago and decided I needed to finish.  I'm afraid of being judged, but I hope that I'm not the only one out there that feels like this... I hope this helps someone <3