What I learned

A few weeks ago, maybe a month ago I went "off the deep end."  I fell into the eating disorder harder and faster than I ever have.  Everything came back and completely took control of my life.  All of the bad memories, impulses, self-destruction, self-hate- it was all louder than ever.  I don't know how I managed to fall so hard so fast, and I don't think I really expected it either, but for a solid week at least I was convinced I wouldn't make it to see another sunrise or sunset.  I had been convinced by these voices inside my head that food was toxic and food wanted to kill me.  I was sure that this place called Earth wasn't for me and that I should run away and never return.  I almost did.  My psych, PCP, and therapist were very worried but I refused to open my eyes and see it.  They asked me to go to Brookhaven several times and I kept saying "no."  I had heard things about Brookhaven... not good things.  The eating disorder program is 21 days, "that is not enough to change me; I'll never get better in 21 days."  Friday, August 9th, after every other option was exhausted and I was sure I was as good as gone I drove myself to Brookhaven and checked myself in.  I walked past the Behavioral Health patients, drug addicts, suicidal, homicidal, hallucinatory, schizophrenic, alcoholic, depressed... I thought, "did they send me to the wrong floor?"  I was terrified.  The first thing they did after checking me in was stick a feeding tube up my nose.  Then they left me in my room to cry for hours until I fell asleep.  The weekend was awful, I didn't eat or really go to groups.  I was going through diet pill detox so I slept most of the time.  Finally Monday came and things started to make sense.  My brain started thinking right thanks to the liter of Ensure Plus they were giving me every night through my tube.  I got to know the two other girls that were there for the eating disorder program.  We became sisters very quickly.  Then I met the therapist Vickie, and the dietician Valerie... They helped me grow so much and learn so much about myself.  Vickie knew what she was talking about and she knew what was going on inside my mind, she could be so serious and loving and supportive, and she was also comical and graceful and trustworthy.  She helped me get my power back.
Food doesn't deserve my power
The number on the scale doesn't deserve my power
The people who have hurt me do not deserve my power
The past does not define me
I am more than an eating disorder; than a number; than a disease; than a label
I am worthy of living a life without those voices that tell me I can't
I have good qualities
I have dreams and ambitions
I want to be a play therapist
That scale won't get me anywhere but dead.  Then the people who need me will be cheated by this disease.
After 14 days my insurance refused to pay so I had to leave.  I feel like they sabotaged me because I was getting better but I was convinced that three weeks wouldn't save me, so how would two weeks?  I begged to stay, this place that I didn't want to ever go to was changing my life, and then I was being kicked out.  I found out 5 days before discharge that I was leaving early.  I had to complete two weeks of work in one week of time.  My tube feedings were moved to the day so I could be supervised because I was messing with it at night.  The tube was pulled out two days before discharge and I had to drink the liter of Ensure Plus orally.  Now that I'm home I can't afford that, that is four cans a day and 6 cans is about $12.  I spent $130 on groceries and protein supplements today.  I have never even spent half that much on groceries.  I'm really scared I won't be able to keep this up though.  This morning I woke up and thought, "it would be so easy to go back to ed today..." I want to make it until I see my therapist on Monday though, and I know that Vickie and Valerie are rooting for me.  It sucks that I had bonded so much with them and now I never get to see them again.  I didn't even get three weeks.  Just another slap in the face.  But Vickie told me to eat a piece of pineapple upside down cake at 5 o'clock on September 3rd and she will be eating one too in celebration of my 21st birthday.  She said she will never forget me... I cried as I walked out the doors and looked back on this place that gave me another chance to live in just two weeks.  I see my psych on September 4th and the first thing I'm going to go is say "thank you" and give her a hug.  I thought she was crazy when she said "Brookhaven" but I was crazy for not trusting her.