Long Gone and Long Here

I just want to scream

Why are you doing this to me?
You treat me like I don’t try
Like I won’t cry
When you act like I’m stupid
Or worthless, or wasted
You pretend like I haven’t told you
Over and over again
That there is something inside me
Something that I can’t control…
I don’t need you to save me
Or pound it out of my head
Because whatever it is has been there
When I was as good as dead
Where were you?
 
Gone
 
Even if you were there
You were in your own perfect world
And I was just a defect
A mark you couldn’t erase
 
So here you are
A better eraser
To forget this burden
To forget whatever lives inside me
 
I want whatever this is to be with me forever
Because I know it will follow me to the grave
The only thing that will ever love me
Forever and ever and ever
 
I keep reliving all of the shit
That you keep telling me to “just forget”
And when you say this it comes back
The fear of worthlessness
Of damaged goods
Of abandonment
 
Because looking back who has stayed?
No one has been there
Not like this…
The family who went away all the time
                And came back to do the same
The friend in 2^nd grade
                That moved so so far away
The girl in who shared my name               
                That found new friends with better fame
The one in middle school
                That left me when she wanted to be “cool”
The best friend my senior year
                That left more than enough tears
The confidant who seemed so perfect
                Then took my heart and used it
 
And now this… what do I do?
Who do I turn to?
No one has been there
Not like this…
Not like the imaginary friend I made up
To tell me what to do when times were tough
How do I abandon the one that has lived inside me
When no one else stood beside me…. see?
 
I’m lost and dying
Slowly but surely
Who else is there to turn to
But the one who lives inside me?