There's a fine line between love and hurting and knowing just when to walk away.

Today did not go well. I feel like the trash dumpster divers discard. Rejection is something we all have to face I suppose. This is just too much. I keep making myself believe that one of these days I might be good enough for somebody or something, but alas, failure. Even my revised essay got laughed at when my teacher read it to the class today.

There is a rather significant difference between wanting something and wanting something more than anything else in the world even though it is painfully obvious that you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Being told you're not good enough SUCKS. Being told you're not good enough for the only thing in the world that truely matters to you feels like getting told to stop trying, to just give up. I wish, I wish, I wish with everything I own that people could see how much I care, yet all they see is laziness and irresposibility.

There's this song I heard when I was little,

Namesake to Elizabeth,
her daddy's pride and joy;
baptized in her mother's tears soon after she was born,
because the doctor said she'd never live to see her sweet 16,
it's a miracle she beat those odds
and there's still no promise she will see tomorrow...
and when she cries, she cries in slience,
but never for herself-
she cries for everybody else.

I wanted to be that girl who would never let the pain show, and who would always be taking care of others. I felt, feel, like that's the only way to deserve to live. Even when I was wishing with everything I have to get the role I wanted in the All-School-Musical, I was wishing with everything I have for my friends to get the parts they wanted as well. They got the parts the wanted... I'm left standing in the dark, completely forgotten. Oh well, that's what I've wanted all along isn't it? I guess theatre is that "exception" for me. It's my everything and now my everything is destroyed. I should have never let myself fall into the trap of hoping. I see now that it was a mistake. I just thought that maybe if I admited to myself how much I wanted this and I let myself believe that it could happen that others could see it too. I was horribly wrong.

And the cherry on top is that I found out 3 minutes later that my Girl Scout scholarship application was rejected as well. It didn't even phase me that I could NOT get that scholarship. I've been a very involved Girl Scout for 14 years... I'm 18! I guess everything happens for a reason; I would like to know what I did though so I could rite this.