heads up

Have you ever felt completely useless? Have you had those days when you think to yourself, "If someone told me I had a terminal illness I would be glad it's almost over?"  All of us are bound to have these thoughts sometime or another in our lives.  Some of us have them more often than other, some of us earlier on than others.  Regaurdless, when that day comes we are able to get through it by telling ourselfs about this "greater purpose" blah, blah, blah. I used to buy into that, but lately it just seems like I'll always be worthless.  When you ask people what they think of you they tell you that you're beautiful, or caring and you know they're just being nice- only pretending- and PARENTS, don't even get me started, they only say they love you because you're their child and you're their obligation.  Deep down inside them you're nothing but a lazy, undeserving, disappoinment of a daughter.

Sometimes you feel like that ALL THE TIME.  You run away from home, you push yourself to the edge of the earth and you want nothing more than to jump off.  Sometimes you want that escape so badly that you create that terminal illness, you push yourself so far that you literally become sick, then there's no turning back.  The illness is your only friend, the only one you can truely trust to not let you down.  Then you find out it's real.... you really are dying, but WAIT- there's a cure, why would you want it? You wanted this right? You deserve this!  It's not about dying anymore, just about suffering, you're a disgrace, you bring dishonor to everyone, your a reject- the runt turned away from even the buther because you are worth nothing.  You're a waste of oyxgen, of space, and of time.

What next?  So they told you your diagnosis.... it's not what the average person would call "ideal" but I'm no average person.  I'm not "emo" or "goth" or "punk" or "rockabilly" or any of those styles that dictate my personality.  In reality, I am pretty upbeat, cheerful, deceiving, and fun to be around.  I understand all too well how to approach just about every social personality, I could fit into just about any clique.  I've recently been asked who I am, seems pretty simple right? Wrong! I have no idea who I am, what do I want, what do I do for fun? Why do I have friends who break my heart? Why am I afraid of living?  I fit everywhere because I can paint myself into any picture, where ever I may be there will always be a little extra room for the fly on the wall; the one that's just there.... nobody minds, nobody pays attention to, nobody deserves to have to waste their time caring for the fly on the wall.

So death is knocking on my doorstep- if I had a doorstep.  I ran away many months ago just before I got my diagnosis, since then I've been living from couch to couch of good friends and I've recieved a few more diagnosis.  No set time frame yet, still waiting to get an MRI and EPG... somedays I do want to get better, but for now, I want to embrace the pain, I've caused so much pain and Karma is getting revenge.  I want to take what I deserve.  Right now, this fly doesn't even deserve the wall to rest on.