What's in a Name?

I feel like…
I feel
I have feelings
What happened?
 
I feel like I etched my name on a page of college ruled notebook paper
Sara June Asay
Zero Nine, Zero Three, Nine Two
Twenty-one years have passed
 
That piece of paper is filling up with notes from my life experience
With diagnosis after diagnosis
Treatment options that didn’t work
High hopes and plummeting lows
My best friend, who’s no longer a friend
My many moons ago’s, and I remember it like it was yesterday’s
The page overflows with criticism of my ever present imperfections
My neuroticisms and everywhere I fell short
I drew an apple core on the page and filled it in with dark graphite lead
The core of my being, an empty existence
And a sketch of a measuring tape borders the page
To ensure that I fit perfectly within the parameters of my expectations
I turned the yellow #2 school pencil around
The pink rubber end kissed my name on the top of the page…
I stopped for a moment
It had never occurred to simply take my name off the page
Instead of trying to erase all of the ugliness carved on the paper
I could simply erase my name, and the piece of paper that I had become
No longer belonged to me, and I no longer belonged to it
I took a moment than went back to work
But the cheap yellow #2 pencil eraser only smeared my existence
It rubbed an uglier mark through my name
Now everyone knows my secret
That I am so ashamed of those 12 letters
And all that defined them in black and white
That I wanted myself and all others to forget
The existence of this person behind the nomenclature
Sara June Asay
 
As if a change in name, or the lack there of
Will actually make all of the shame built up around it
Like the bricks of a tall building
With fear, the mortar
Make that existence cease to be remembered
The page is still there, ever changing but never forgetting
My name feels like a mistake…
I tried to erase it but it only smudged
Out of despair and hopelessness a tear fell down my cheek
And landed like a cannonball off the hive dive in the middle of the paper
Right over the word that read “worthless”
Its wetness bore a hole through the word
I only cared so much to shed a tear
Because part of me wanted so badly to believe
That I was, in fact, worth it
And the very well from which I drew it
Destroyed the same word that made it feel so weak
And every time I feel
Yes I fell,
Every time I feel like I’m so worthless
I remember the tear that wanted something more for me
Boring through the very word that made me feel so alone
The wish I had for myself, destroyed the pain on that page
Erasing my name with that yellow #2 school pencil
Only left me feeling more defective, broken, and absent
But destroying that which pulls me down
With the last drop of hope left in me
Creates room for more…
 
Beyond words on a page of college ruled notebook paper
Beyond the trace of black graphite on a white canvas
Beyond anything that defines me or hold me back
Because I don’t look at my Nephews big hands and say,
He’s going to be a pianist
Because I look at my Nephew and say,
He is now, always has been, and always will be Carter
Because I can’t look at that little girl and say,
She was bad in the core
Because I want to look again at that little girl and say,
Your core is hurt, I see you, and I believe in you
Beyond a number, a word, a label
Beyond a diagnosis, a social standing, a role
Beyond anything this society has made you believe you are worth
 
Rubies and Pearls
I’ll buy you a star
Barbie “dolls”
He’s Prince Charming and you’re Cinderella
Unworthy of simple love
But so lucky to dazzle him with your fairy tale beauty
 
You are worth more than all the stars in the sky
Open your eyes and see the life all around you
Open your heart and feel the life within you
Take off your mask and let them see your face
The eraser didn’t work because you are not meant to be erased.

I Pinkie Promise

To treat myself gently in all forms of the word
To give my body nourishment and rest when it needs it
To no longer place blame on my body; because my body is not my perpetrator
To thank my body on the bad days for fighting along with me; to not fight my body
To love my body when I want to hate it
To be thankful for my imperfections
To be venerable
To be healthy
To be strong
To let my body be a home, not a war zone
To use my words, not my skin
To be grateful for what my body does have, instead of hating what it doesn't
To do at least one thing that scares me everyday
To struggle well
To stand after I stumble
To laugh daily
To ask for what I need
To give my feelings a voice
To care about my body
To allow myself to be whole and broken at the same time

Panda

Today I got to see my best friend face to face
After a year of longing to hold her in my embrace
This woman is incredible
And strong and beautiful
I love her so much,
More than simple words can say
The smile she wore for me this morning
Has been on my mind all day

It's scary to think
That those
Who have the greatest gifts to share
Are those who lives can't be spared
And I find myself stumbling on words
That want to flee from my mouth
But my tongue won't move

Here,
On this Earth,
There are no guarantees
No promises
That you will see the clouds again
 The sunsets, the stars, the sunrise
This disease can take everything
In a way it already has mine

Sometimes I feel like a hollow sea shell
This disease took away
my friends,
my family,
my happiness.

But my heart is still beating
As if it is yearning
To be full this time
Because who's to say,
That I will survive
Relapse
again...
And then...
What?
Another life left in vain

Not this time.

This disease has taken everything
But it can't take my legacy...
Her legacy.

"I will not be another tombstone in her grave."

I love you Panda Marie,
You will always be with me.

I Am Me

 

I am me

I am recovery

I am a wilted flower

But nobody knows my secret

Because nobody pays enough attention to notice

The truth is I have just blossomed

I’m still searching for the sky

But every day I get stronger

My roots are deep and wide

They are the reason I survive

Nobody knows my secret

Because nobody pays enough attention to notice

But I am beautiful

I am strong

I am life and all its imperfections

I am a mess

But you wouldn’t know if you only saw what I do

You may see me as a compilation of lines and curves

That doesn’t fit together

But as I look at my reflection

In this puddle of my dew drop tears

I see a diamond in the rough

Yearning to see the sun shine again

This journey is not over

In fact, it’s just beginning

I am life

I am me

And I’m okay.

Falling Together

 

There is so much beauty all around me

It is mid November here

All of the trees are baring their limbs

So that we can appreciate them again

And so they refresh and rest for awhile

And so they return what the Earth so graciously gave them

The leaves fall unto the soil

As to give back the nourishment that made them so

So there will be new buds covering the branches

When Spring is born again

 

Each season brings new beauty

But I tend to favor fall

Everything Mother Nature lets me see

Is preparing itself for a big change

The trees see this change every year

But for some it' so new, so surreal

Even though it might be scary

To experience for the first time

Nature knows that the clock only moves forward

The sun always sets after it rises

And rises after it sets

Fall always follows Summer

And Winter and Spring are next

 

I supposed the seasons are such for a reason

If Winter came after the flowers bloomed in the Spring

Then there would be no time to appreciate their beauty

And no time for them to give

All that they have in store for me

For us

For our world

 

Looking back

And wishing it could be like it was before

It is kind of like going from Summer to Winter

that is what Mother Nature made fall for

Now is this season

Everything looks as though it is falling down

But maybe things are falling together

If you take a look around

 

This season always gets to me

And I get so lost in the crowd

But maybe this year can be a change for me

Maybe those voices don't have to be so loud...

 

 

 

 



A Selfish Bargain

What do you say when it's too late for "feel better" or "I wish you well" ... or "it can't rain forever"?  When there is no getting better, no chance for a second chance... because no one would listen to you when you needed them to hear.  How do you help someone who is dying... and there's no promise she will see tomorrow, and there is a guarantee that this will kill her.  How can I have hope for myself when I know that hope is destroyed for her. 

Today I found myself making another bargain with God...  "Please God, if you let me see her, let me hold her one last time, I promise I will get better for her.  I promise I will never doubt you again."  We were making plans two days ago to see each other when I get healthy, but she can never get healthy and it kills me.  She is dying, you see.  My best friend deserves another chance more than me, so why am I going to treatment and she has a death sentence?  I can't take this anymore... If I could turn the cards around I would in a heartbeat.  She can't die like this... she can't leave me alone.  I'm sorry, I just can't do this, I can't hold it in anymore.  I don't know if I'll ever see her again but she keeps saying, "be patient" and "have hope" but today she had a stroke.  How are we supposed to cope?  If she had another chance I know she would fight... I know we could make it together and grow old like we all should.  I've only known her for a little over two years, but she knows all of me... she loves me and I love her so very much.  I'm so sorry she is hurting so much... I just want to tell you that it will get better... but the doctors say it will only get worse. 

My best friend....

Please don't leave me.  I know I will always have you, but I need you here with me.  I'm selfish because I know you will be free of pain the day you leave me, but I just can't lose you.  From having no one, we found each other.  I'm so blessed to have met you.  Panda, you will always be my best friend, I will never let you go.  From 500 miles, or Earth to the Stars, I will be holding you tight, telling you that I love you always and forever, and I'll never stop loving you.  We've been through hell Panda, then we helped each other crawl again.  We stood up, walked, fell, then crawled again and again. 

I wish this monster would have never touched you.  I wish you could be free of hurt and pain.  I just want you to know that I'm going to fight right beside you.  I hate so much that this happened... I wish someone would have listened.  I love you my Panda.... you are what a friend should be.

The Dirty Shed

The people I want to care the most
Never seem to care at all
They smile and laugh
As they see me fall
I don't matter to them
I'm just a spec of dirt they can't get out
Of their picture-perfect
white-collared
scum-free life
Now look at me...

I'm falling apart
Again and again
I dig a hole
They push me in
I find a rope
They tear it to shreds
Every time I find hope
They burry it with the dead

It doesn't matter though
I will never matter though
Not to those I need
I'm just a tool they keep
In the dirty shed
Filled with those skeletons
And cobwebs
And broken pieces
They put aside long ago

I'm one of those cheap plastic rakes
The kind you buy at the Dollar General
The "one-time-use"
That may have nothing but bits and pieces left
When the yard is free of debris
But the wind still blows
And leaves still fall,
But this rake is useless now

So they throw it in the shed
Of skeletons and cobwebs and broken pieces
And it sits in the darkest corner
Never to be heard of again.