Away

I’m not really sure what road I’m taking
Just get in the car and keep on going
 
The image of me burned in their mind
Is a bumper sticker and a hand out the window
Waving goodbye at one hundred miles an hour
For the hundredth time
 
The last thing anyone sees of me
Is the cloud of dust left behind as I flee
 
Running away…

It’s my favorite game

Starting again
Finding a new name
It never ends
It’s all the same
 
I always know where I’m going

“Away”

Away from all of the pain I have caused myself
Away from the hurt of rejection
Away from the pain of disappointment
Away from myself
 
Because I opened up my heart
Because there is something inside of me longing to feel loved
Because I let myself feel too much
I gave myself room to feel in this place
Room to love, room to be loved, room to be let down
 
I don’t understand how they do it
How they can rip someone’s heart out and walk away unscaved
I know that’s what people think when I run away
And that is what I try to convince people about me
That when I leave I don’t look back
And when I leave, I leave every bad feeling behind. 
 
I wish that was the case,
But as much as you remember that cloud of dust I left behind
I remember seeing the tears fall down your face
When I looked back before you vanished in my mirror
I remember the destruction I brought that place
 
You still try to talk to me
You make me feel like I was all in the wrong
You make it appear like I left you
Yes, I’m the one that went away
But I wouldn’t have had to time and time again
If you were here.
If you were truly with me
But you led me to believe that it was my entire fault
You made me sure that it was my defective heart
that couldn’t endure
 
No, I could not endure
I couldn’t stand being the foundation for all of your life’s dysfunction
I couldn’t be there and watch you disappear
I couldn’t bear being loved only when you needed to feel loved
I always loved you, but you never believed me
It was always a game to you
There was nothing more I could do
 
So I packed up and left once more
Maybe the truth is that we let each other down
I promised myself I would never stoop to your level
I never wanted to satisfy your twisted mind
That thinks it’s okay to tell me, “I love you... but I know you don’t care.”
 
Because I promise that my heart cares
And it tears itself in half thinking of how much it wants to forget the love it still has for you
 
Because you are my Mother
You carried me inside of you for forty weeks
You always said that I had what I needed
You always reminded me of how special I was to you
I was your little girl…
“Where did she go?  Where are the hugs she used to give me?”
I used to hold your leg and beg you not to leave as you walked out the door
“What happened to that girl that loved her mommy so much?”
“Why can’t I have her back?”
Why don’t you see how much these words hurt?
 
I grew up.
I grew up and realized that I didn’t have what I needed.
I needed to not be treated like a drone,
Like a succession of my big sister, or a lesser version of my little sister
I needed more care and attention than I was given
No, that is not “a high maintenance child”
Don’t you understand?
I felt more love from the pedophile you brought me to hundreds of times
And more love from the Nanny, the baby sitter, the daycare, and your codependent sister
That you hired than I did from you
 
I felt like love came from a dollar spent on someone to take care of us
I felt like love came from a 60 year old drug addict whispering sweet nothings in my ear
I felt like love came from the report card I brought home from school
I felt like love came from how well I could perform for you
I felt like love came from the amount of space I took up, or didn’t take up
I felt like love was wrong, that loving someone was sinful,
That being loved was something I was unworthy of.
 
I’m not really sure what road I’m taking
Just get in the car and keep on going
 
The image of you burned in my mind
Is a bumper sticker and a hand out the window
Waving goodbye at one hundred miles an hour
For the hundredth time
 
The last thing anyone sees of you
Is the cloud of dust left behind as you flee
 
Running away…
It’s my favorite game
Starting again
Finding a new name
It never ends
It’s all the same
 

I always know where I’m going

“Away”
Away from all of the pain this life has brought me
Away from the rejection you showed me
Away from the pain of disappointing you again and again
Away from the memories
Away from you

Away...

                  Away...

                                      Goodbye.