Thinking day

Today has been a thinking day.  The last thought that went through my mind before I decided to write this entry was something like, 'I want people to give up on me, I wish they didn't care.'  I don't really know why but my best guess is it's something to do with the fact that my parents have given up on me.  I usually don't believe it, if a friend told me that her parents had given up on her I'd tell her they love her and they are just trying to do what's best, but it's not like that. 

I had to be civil with my parents today because my Papa is in town (the one person in my family that doesn't confuse me or my feelings.)  The entire day my mother found ways to insert indirect insults to me such as, "I can't seem tell anybody their make a mistake, they ignore me and screw up their lives anyways." I really would like to believe that her sole purpose in life isn't to make me cry myself to sleep and that she really does want me to get well and I hate that I care what she thinks because I know it's distorted. 

She is SO proud of my little sister and won't waste a moment not telling me that.  She actually managed to bring up musical and the scholarship I lost in the same sentence today then preceded to tell me not to worry to much because Nicole will get it for her.  It took everything I had not to run away crying- actually I probably would have if not for my 2 sisters blocking my way out.  If there is anything that makes me more uncomfortable than my mother it is being cornered or having someone look over my shoulder.  I can't explain it but sometimes I want to slap people in the face for breaking my bubble.

Ugh, it's been a really lame day and I wish it was over, I wish it was all over.