New Year's Eve

I can't believe it has been almost 2 years already... wow there is a lot to catch up on.  I'm almost positive no one reads this but to anyone who might stumble across it here is an update. 

I'm tired of being "lost in deep thought" and trying to make everything I say worthwhile.  I just want to be real for a moment.  Real as in, I have an eating disorder.  Sometimes I forget the "have" part and mix in "am" ...I am an eating disorder.  Although I know this is not true sometimes it is hard for me to believe.  I have been struggling for so long, the last time I wrote on this page I was in the midst of a horrible abuse.  Well, that's over now but it has left many wounds that sstill have not healed.  Sometimes I just feel too broken to fix.  I feel like everything that could go wrong does go wrong and everyone is going to hurt me in the end.  It is a pathetic and lonely way to live but I know nothing else.

Right now I am trying an Intensive Outpatient program (IOP) for mental health, I've only attended 7 days but so far I feel like I have gotten very little out of it. 

I'm also tired of walking on eggshells, if reading this post is somehow going to hurt you then don't read it.  This is me, this is real, this is raw.  I'm going to try to update this more often, maybe I might get some feedback... that would be nice.  This is not by any means my journal.. lets just say it is a story of my journey through anorexia, borderline, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  So here's to the new year... my resolution?  Well I don't really know.  One of the speakers in IOP told us how he used to walk into a room pf 300 people, and 299 of them were wonderful people and 1 was not so much, he would undoubtably find the 1 person.  I always find that one person, the one person that acts like my best friend but brings me down further in the end.  My resolution?  Change my radar, find one of those 299 people and learn to trust again. 

Well that's all for now.. I have to go figure out what I'm going to do with tonights dinner situation.

SURVUVE the New Year and try to make as many happy memories as you can squeeze into it, then tell me so I can smile and share the happiness with you.

Angry rant

I'm so pissed at Ed right now.  He has KILLED so many people.  It's not fair that society degrade women to the point where they literally have to starve themselves to death.  How can such a great society have such a fatal flaw.  Rest in peace Isabelle Caro, you did not die in vein.  Every person who raises awaness for eating disorders could save someones life.  Please, please, please stay strong and know that I love you just the way you are.  Don't change a thing.  I'm praying for you.

attention seeking

For a few months now people have been telling me I use attention seeking behaviors.  I know I have because, according to Maslow, it is a basic human need to have attention and I am being consumed by loneliness.  I try so hard to do everything for the right reasons, not for attention, but then how do I get the attention I need?  I feel like I ask for it in appropriate ways and people still ignore me because they think it's attention seeking.  It feels like anything I do is wrong.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have no one to talk to, nothing to do, no life to live for... Yes, I'm in the puddle and I don't care because there is no one there waiting for me to come out, there's no reason to try anymore.  I need motivation.

The Lonely

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Checking in

So I haven't writen in awhile.  My therapist told me it was a bad idea to be bloggong bt I think that's just because there are a lot of non-recovery oriented blogs out there. Recovery is a journey, I'm still not sure I want it, but at least now I know I want life and that should be enough to keep me going. 

I still feel like an outcast, even aroud family and friends... in fact, the only time I don't feel like a total outcast is when I'm around strangers,

I worked my first birthday party at work today, it was lots of fun- 25 screaming kids! Anyways, I have a lot of homework to do so I'm going to make this post short.

In the Beginning

Like many people, my life began long before the day I was born.  I suppose the stars were alined just right and al the events leading up to my life fell into place.  My Mother, Tammy, grew up in a house with 6 children; Terry, Linda, Jesse, Karla, Tammy, and Vonda.  When she was an adolecent her father died because of colestoral complications, I'm not sure exactly what happened though because she doesn't talk about her childhood at all.  I do know that Terry and Jesse became the typical jocks, Linda became the rebel who got kicked ou of the house when she was 17 and nearly exiled from the family, Karla developed middle child syndrome and faded into nothingness next to the rest of the family, my Mother was a basketball star a band geek- an overachiever at best, and Vonda was the baby girl who grew up to be a serial bride.  On the outside looking in they seened happy, but as I grow up I learn that there is more beneath the surface.

My Father, Doug, is the 1st child of his divorced parents.  Debbie is his little sister.  Wehn he was very young Grandma Jean and Papa broke up and Grandma Jean went on to marry her high-school sweatheart, Eddie.  Dad lived in Joplin, MO with Papa and Debbie lived in Independence, KS with Grandma and Eddie.  Grandpa was really devoted to his publishing company and never really seemed interested in finding someone else until a few years ago... but I'll get to that later.  Dad went to college in Iowa State and Debbie got married and had her daughter, Lanie, then she found out her husband was gay and somewhere in th mix Papa got involved and they ceased communication all together.  I'm still not quite sure what happened, I just knowthat my Dad has been the middle-man for well over 18 years.

My parents met at a club.  My Mom was actually supposed to be on a date at another club but she got stood up so her girlfriend took her to the club where my father happened to be and they hit it off.  They got married in Witicha, KS, my Mom's hometown, and bought their first house.  My older sister, Amber was born July 16th, 1990.  Two years later my Dad's job moved then to Topeaka.  A week before they moved I was born.  September 3rd, 1992 is the day used to mark my age, today I am 18 years young, in a few months I will have made it around the sun a total of 19 times.....

To be continued.

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS:

You are beautiful.
You are intelligent.
You are worthy.
You are genorous.
You are caring.
You are loving.
You are loved.
You are amazing.
You are talanted.
You are driven.
You are gifted.
You are considerate.
You are compassionate.
You are strong.
You are corageous.
You are